For several decades, psychologist John Gottman studied a wide range of couples, including newlyweds, couples with young children, and people in long-term relationships. In 1984 he proposed for the first time in his book: “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” a ratio that he called the “magic proportion.”
In his research, Gottman showed that couples who maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions are more likely to have long-lasting relationships.
This means that for a couple to stay together and last over time, they must exhibit 5 positive behaviors that include showing interest in the couple’s life, being affectionate, expressing appreciation, and engaging in positive communication for every unfortunate word or lack of communication. attention.
What is your relationship like? What is the ratio of positive to negative actions in your case? For example, look at your relationship over the last week… How many compliments or loving gestures did you give him for each unfortunate word?
It will always be easier to hold the other person responsible for the state of the relationship. But it is smarter to look at ourselves and observe how much we give to make the relationship stronger, if we want it to last.
In contrast to the “magic ratio” Jhon Gottman identified a set of negative behaviors that he called the “four horsemen of the Apocalypse” that facilitate disconnection and failure in couples… Do you want to know what they are?
Attention, here they go:
- Constant criticism.
- Contempt.
- Defensive attitude.
- Obstructionism. The latter is related to people who use silence as a wall to prevent dialogue or reach an agreement.
Observing ourselves and becoming aware of how we are living each day can be a first step to building a relationship that lasts.
The next thing will then be to avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse and apply Gottman’s “magic ratio” daily: 5 is to 1, or what is the same: 5 behaviors that add to the relationship for an unlucky one.
Read the antidote to self-criticism here: https://karenmontalva.com/cultiva-la-autocompasion/